Yesterday was the first day I had a moment of true confusion. Panicked by self pressure for perfection and instantaneous learning, I let my nerves get the best of me.
Geometric Optics Lab One. Pretty much as basic as you can get. However, on an empty stomach, even the simplest of mental math seems impossible. No one is invincible to the downward slope of blood sugar. Intense comprehension and a lack of glucose is a train wreck waiting to happen. I can not elaborate enough how many times our optics professors have told us that it is easiest to do optics when we assume light is traveling from left to right. Ofcourse, the first thing I did when I walked into our lab cubicle was sit so that the light projecting from the apparatus beamed from right to left. Automatically, every bit of reason and logic I had gained during my short span in optics flew out the window. Maybe if I had eaten lunch I would have recognized at this point to get up and sit on the other side of the lab table...but no, I made sure I was thoroughly confused before I decided to use logic.
Have you ever seen a video of salmon trying to swim up stream? I had gotten so far away from logical assumption and reason, and no matter how many people tried to explain... it was too late. The damage was done, and my learning wall was up. Convincing yourself that you can't understand something is a recipe for a self fulfilling prophecy. Dr. Chang, our optics lab professor, kept telling us we needed to sit quietly and think about what we were doing and it would make sense.
For the first time in a year, I was the student having problems understanding. It is so easy to stand on the other side of the fence as a teacher, and tell students not to close themselves off. But there I was, a graduate student, shutting down and caving in just like my high schoolers did. Iwent home, defeated, and horrified for how many of these moments I was going to have. This was just the second week of four years. It is only going to get harder. Luckily I have amazingly supportive family and friends who keep my head on straight. Not everything is going to come easy. It shouldn't...its grad school and I am by no means a genius. Practice makes perfect, and there is no wrong in taking longer than others to gain full understanding. Worrying about how fast I am learning only takes away from the learning process. With time and repetition, full comprehension will follow.
I have looked over that lab atleast 4 times since yesterday afternoon. Each time I went through my reasoning and sketches, I built more and more of a theoretical comprehension. What once made my eyes well up in confusion, now seemed so obvious. What once seemed like a mountain was, retrospectively, just a road bump.
Lessons Learned:
1.) Always eat lunch. Keep protein bars on hand just incase.
2.) Always assume light is going from Left to Right. Make life easier and orient yourself in lab so that this is true!
3.) TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It's school. These are the times to be confused, ask questions, and seek help.
4.) Know when to walk away. Sometimes a break can be just what is needed to get to a place of insight.
5.) If at first you don't succeed... Try, try again!
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