I am so close. Just a few exams left until I have finished my first year. And though my grades are lower than they have ever been, I've almost made it through and survived. I know I sound melodramatic, but a taste of my last few weeks would leave you with a bitter bite as well. In just the last few weeks my symptoms have escalated. I have burning, searing, stabbing pain running up and down my right leg; inflammation of the sciatic nerve. Unless you have had it, there is no way to describe the agony felt with every slight movement. Fevers and pain keep my from sleeping more than 4 hours at a time. Doctors have given me corticosteroids with mild improvement, only to return upon taper. Steroids are a horrible drug, but when you feel their powerful effects, it is hard not to accept them as part of a solution. Doctors were puzzled once again. Obviously responding to inflammation, lab work began piling up. The vampires (phlebotomists) consider me a regular. One doctor referral led to the next, all leading back to rheumatology: a connective tissue doctor. The appointment was puzzling, promising, and ominous. With over 30 lbs of unintentionally weight loss, he feared the "scarier things" like lymphoma. A referal to the Hematology & Onconology department in the Cancer Center. Just that title made me cringe. And even though I was seeing a hematology doctor, the fact that it was attached to the word cancer was enough to make my stomach drop. The rheumatologist was being precautious, and I knew the logic, but my irrational side couldn't help but flash to images of chemotherapy and radiation. Yesterday, I had my appointment at The Kelsey Seybold Cancer Center with Dr. Vu. After a thorough history, he did a physical exam which included evaluating my lymph nodes. As he was feeling around he would say "yes, I feel swollen lymph nodes, but nothing impressive." Thank Goodness. Nothing impressive to a hematologist means no lymphoma or leukemia. He did however tell me that with swelling throughout my lymph node chains indicates systemic inflammation, and his suspicion pointed to systemic autoimmune disease. However to be safe, I am scheduled for contrast CT scans of my lymph system. Once I am cleared as cancer free, I will once again be sent back to my good old friend the rheumatologist. At my last rheumatology appointment, Dr. Williams mentioned starting immune modulating drugs. These drugs are like chemo as in they suppress the immune system. In fact some of them are low dose chemo drugs. So, if symptoms don't improve over the next two weeks on corticosteroids, it looks like that is the direction I will go. In addition to all of that, there is still the issue of sciatica. the question is, was it brought on by systemic inflammation then irritating an already existing problem? Is it completely unrelated and I have terrible luck? The only way to know was a referal from my rheumatologist to their spine center. So an MRI and spine evaluation is also in my very near future. So as the school year comes to a close, and finals become priority, I find myself in a difficult situation of juggling exams, doctor appointments, blood work, imaging, and lot of bills. I may not finish the way I ever would have intended, but I will finish. After that, I have a summer of treatment, recovery, and relaxation before I prepare for my next year of optometry school. Almost 1/4th of the way done, and yet these last few steps of the semester feel as though I'm walking with weights bound to my feet. I might be dragging behind and stumbling, but I will make it.
Going through my phone, I found a Note on my iPhone I wrote after our first exam as first year optometry students. Made me smile, so I had to share! My stomach felt like a cage of wild butterflies trying to escape out my throat. I was prepared, yet I terrified. I arrived to school too early, and sat in my car, dreading the anxious energy swarming into the building. Elena, my co-mentee pulled up in front of me to park, and a friendly face took the edge off the pounding in my chest. We walked up to the building, and like water forming droplets, first years puddled together to embark on our first quest. I have only known these people for 5 weeks, and yet the security their presence brings me is as if we have been kin for years. The lecture hall bounced with conversations. Dr. Frishman, our physiology professor, walked in with a stack of exam packets and somber intensity set in. Backpacks to the front, cell phones off, it's game time. Looking around the room I saw a variety of characters wishing one another luck across the isles of seats. "And so begins your four year career of guessing", were her final words.
The American Optometric Association's annual meeting will be held this summer in Philadelphia. As students, we had the opportunity to submit photographs relating to the profession for a chance to win a travel grant to attend. I took this picture at an SVOSH vision screening for a local Hispanic church. A woman being screened for near vision while her daughter holds the translator's hand and observes. Humanity is not bound by language, but by compassion. During the first week of school at UHCO, our optometry class was told we would learn some thirteen thousand words during our first year. Finally, as the last day of my first year comes to a close... I can 100% believe it.
In our Community Health class we were to read the TIME Article, "Bitter Pill: Why Medical Bills are Killing Us". The main article can be found here: http://time.com/198/bitter-pill-why-medical-bills-are-killing-us/ This is my personal response. It has been a long time coming, but this essay was a perfect excuse to post as a blog. On the 21st of March in 2010, I sat anxiously in front of the television, waiting for the final vote. Only one year before I was a 4.0 Biomedical Science undergrad at Texas A&M University. During my sophomore year I became very ill and was forced to withdraw; chronic fatigue, movement disorders, autoimmune thyroid disease, and under continuous evaluation for more conditions. My mind swirled with nightmares of not having access to doctors, to living my whole life in debt, to never accomplish my dream of being an optometrist. Just as my fears began to spiral, the vote was in, and those in continued education would be able to stay on their parents insurance till 25. I would not be denied coverage because of my pre-existing conditions. I now had a few more years to figure out how to handle the situation, and let my body recover. Two years later, I was tapered off of steroids and doctors had labeled me "in remission". I graduated with honors from A&M and went on to lead a learning program at a high school for math and science. I worked harder than I had ever before; but my body seemed to handle it. With that new found confidence in my health, I decided it was time to conquer optometry school. The first semester of school was intriguing, engaging, and basically everything I wanted in a program. I was making almost all A's and my health seemed to be handling the stress pretty well. That changed quicker than I could ever have expected. As finals began, I lost my ability to breathe without pain and was finally sent to the emergency room. I sat in bed pondering how fast it happened and what it could be. So there I was, being wheeled to all sorts of imaging as phlebotomists chased me down to collect my blood for labs. After seven hours, CT scans, EKGs, and lab work I finally had an answer: spontaneous pneumomediastinum. I was to be immediately admitted and started on antibiotics and oxygen. Soon I was wheeled from the ER to the IMU to be monitored. At that point in time, my current bill was $2,000 to the hospital. Even with good insurance. It didn't take long after that for me to see the charges start to rack up. On my fourth day in the hospital I had I go a contrast study of my abdomen. I could barely eat and had already taken contrast by mouth for another test the day before. After being food restricted for days, I was wheeled down to imaging only to find out that they could still see the other contrast in the attempted imaging... And I would have to repeat the entire procedure again in 24 hours. Are you kidding me? Their mistake cost me several more days in the hospital along with the horrible symptoms of drinking bottles and bottles of contrast. I was diagnosed with duodenitis and vasovagal syncope. In the end, the doctors had performed everything they could think of to cover their steps. After nine days, I was finally released and my parting message from the attending, "You should probably go to a hospital that is more up to date on complicated things like this." My total bill for the stay was unbelievable. I was billed for over 12 specialists, most of whom I never met. And I left still in pain, with few answers. So began my current journey with health problems. Since being discharged from the hospital the list serious symptoms, infections and random inflammation kept piling up. Each symptom requiring it's own specialist. I am a patient at Kelsey Seybold and have seen over 10 specialists for various labs, medications, or procedures. Each item billed at a high rate that my insurance wouldn't fully cover. And unfortunately, it was the beginning of the year, so it was time to restart the deductible. I went to my neurologist to have an EMG done for nerve palsy that developed since the hospital. As I checked in, I was told I had an outstanding amount that just be paid before seeing the doctor. As she printed me out the pages of itemized charges, my heart sunk. The total was nearly $3,000. Almost twice the cost of the equipment I needed to buy for optometry school. I sat in a semi daze; How did I get to this position. I am a 25 year old woman now facing over $35,000 in student loans with barely enough physical energy. My only choice was to pull out my credit card to pay the bill so I could see the doctor. Now my total including emergency room, hospital, copayments, and fees from labs and procedures was easily reaching the $10,000 range. With my alarming symptoms, doctors are left with the only option of protecting themselves. So when they see a puzzle like me, they cover their bases by ordering anything and everything. Why do they care? They are being hired by Kelsey Seybold to see patients, not to deal with patient fees. So as my credit card swiped, I was sure that I was contributing to the next, bigger and better, Kelsey Seybold campus. They were the only ones winning in the situation. So I continue on in my health battle. Giving up is not an option. However, as my last year on my parents insurance, I can't help to think of the future. Will I be able to afford to take care of myself? Will I always be in constant debt to hospitals, doctors, and lab corporations? What will be the next big event that will shatter my world? I don't have answers, so the best I can do is push forward and hope for a healthier, happier future. Till then, I sit on a pile of bills; now that is a bitter pill to swallow.
In all honesty, I am having a ridiculously hard time justifying my time spent on writing this blog. You see, about five minutes previous to this moment, I had put my finishing touches (in my humble and incredibly biased opinion) on a spectacular post. Ironically, I was just patting myself on the back for how little of time spent on it. So karma obviously had to give me a good one, two punch and allow me to delete it in my “Notes” section of my iPhone. And no I did not have it saved anywhere else. And yes, I am the only one who actually uses their “Notes” app for extended paragraphs… WHICH OBVIOUSLY IS A HORRIBLE IDEA. In a last ditch effort to save my work, I googled “undo” actions for the iPhone. Turns out if you shake it hard enough, an option comes up to undo the last action. Too bad the last action I made was to angrily type random letters, in toddler tantrum fashion. Touche karma, Touche. So, to much adui, this is my shortened and less fabulous blog post. It is hard to recreate pure genius.. but I did my best :P
“Freaking out is an understatement. I was so consumed with thinking about it, I left the stove on and almost added salt to my chai.” - Anita Jacob
It's hard to imagine we are entering our fifth week of optometry school. It seems like just yesterday we sheepishly arrived, ignorant to the eminent torture we chose to self inflict. Though overwhelming at first, we all seemed to find a rhythm of normalcy. Laden with trepidation, our inbox received the first blow to this established existence: our very first exam schedule. Instantaneously, a shadow was cast over the lecture hall. It was enough to make even the most prepared student feel the urge to cringe. The countdown was on. All of a sudden, It was as though school was put in fast forward, each day passing by more quickly than the next. The days left to study loomed over my head like a dark cloud ready to drench me in anxiety.The dreaded test week begins on Wednesday. With ten exams in seven school days, it is hard to do much of anything non-academic without being ridden with guilt. Even simple tasks such as showering and eating are considered time consuming. Basically, if it is not relevant to exam week it feel like, for all intensive purposes, cheating on optometry school.
Before starting optometry school, I could spend hours on end pinning DIY projects, and makeup tips on Pinterest. To quench this thirst and satisfy my detrimental need for studying, I have started to use Pinterest to supplement my in class materials. Now among my fashionista style and holiday decorations lies a board for histology and neuroanatomy. Talk about killing two birds with one social media stone. A girl is got to get her fix somehow! If you haven't checked it out as a resource, I recommend you do so. And if you need a starting place, you can check out my educational (and not so educational) pinterest board here: http://www.pinterest.com/spiccolo/boards/Well, as much as I love procrastinating… I must get back to the all important and time consuming task of studying. Happy test week everyone!
In a lecture hall of roughly 125 chairs lies a fierce battle. Before school even began, my mentor warned me of the saved seat phenomenon. I honestly didn't believe her, because who would think that professional school students could act so elementary. Getting into a tizzy over who got there first? A saved seat, as if names were engraved on the new, pristine chairs as a form of reservation? In the brand-spankin-new building, it is hard to imagine the damage past classes imposed on the previous lecture halls. What is now a construction zone used to be a 104 person lecture hall with a class size of 104. As the building aged, the wear and tear of over thirty years was more than obvious, leaving a fight for the "most prized seats."
Dr. Lambreghts and her eye ball props for demonstration of tropias and phorias.
At UHCO, the professors rotate through the lecture halls. Your seat becomes your docking zone for hours at a time. And, once claimed for the first month, this seat becomes essentially permanent. Students would even "purchase" their seat after graduation, and an engraved plaque would adorn the seat for eternity. Even in the new lecture room, equipped with more than enough comfortable seats, the tradition of seat saving lives on. I can even admit falling victim to the contagious plague. My prized middle isle seat is in the second row, left side of the room when you walk in. I arrived early every day the first week of school to l claim it and have all intentions of sitting there as long as we have lecture. The first Friday of the semester, we had one lecture in a different, identical twin lecture hall. I arrived after lunch to find my normal row of seats filled with back-row migrants. Without thinking, I sarcastically blurted, "Well I guess since we are in a different room we should all change seats, even though it's exactly the same as the other one." I WAS the caddy, seat-saving psycho I feared! In a world absorbed by lectures, labs, homeworks, quizzes, practicals, exams, and clinical competencies, simple things like "seat-saving" does in fact help us save something: our sanity. When the only things we can control are the choice of school supplies and which subject to study next, we find comfort in whatever we can claim. Though our seat of choice may not make the difference between an A or B, it is the associated mojo that will. We are young, budding professionals looking for straws to grasp, and we will take anything we can get!
Yesterday was the first day I had a moment of true confusion. Panicked by self pressure for perfection and instantaneous learning, I let my nerves get the best of me. Geometric Optics Lab One. Pretty much as basic as you can get. However, on an empty stomach, even the simplest of mental math seems impossible. No one is invincible to the downward slope of blood sugar. Intense comprehension and a lack of glucose is a train wreck waiting to happen. I can not elaborate enough how many times our optics professors have told us that it is easiest to do optics when we assume light is traveling from left to right. Ofcourse, the first thing I did when I walked into our lab cubicle was sit so that the light projecting from the apparatus beamed from right to left. Automatically, every bit of reason and logic I had gained during my short span in optics flew out the window. Maybe if I had eaten lunch I would have recognized at this point to get up and sit on the other side of the lab table...but no, I made sure I was thoroughly confused before I decided to use logic. Have you ever seen a video of salmon trying to swim up stream? I had gotten so far away from logical assumption and reason, and no matter how many people tried to explain... it was too late. The damage was done, and my learning wall was up. Convincing yourself that you can't understand something is a recipe for a self fulfilling prophecy. Dr. Chang, our optics lab professor, kept telling us we needed to sit quietly and think about what we were doing and it would make sense. For the first time in a year, I was the student having problems understanding. It is so easy to stand on the other side of the fence as a teacher, and tell students not to close themselves off. But there I was, a graduate student, shutting down and caving in just like my high schoolers did. Iwent home, defeated, and horrified for how many of these moments I was going to have. This was just the second week of four years. It is only going to get harder. Luckily I have amazingly supportive family and friends who keep my head on straight. Not everything is going to come easy. It shouldn't...its grad school and I am by no means a genius. Practice makes perfect, and there is no wrong in taking longer than others to gain full understanding. Worrying about how fast I am learning only takes away from the learning process. With time and repetition, full comprehension will follow. I have looked over that lab atleast 4 times since yesterday afternoon. Each time I went through my reasoning and sketches, I built more and more of a theoretical comprehension. What once made my eyes well up in confusion, now seemed so obvious. What once seemed like a mountain was, retrospectively, just a road bump.
Lessons Learned: 1.) Always eat lunch. Keep protein bars on hand just incase.
2.) Always assume light is going from Left to Right. Make life easier and orient yourself in lab so that this is true!
3.) TAKE A DEEP BREATH. It's school. These are the times to be confused, ask questions, and seek help.
4.) Know when to walk away. Sometimes a break can be just what is needed to get to a place of insight.
5.) If at first you don't succeed... Try, try again!
View of downtown on my drive to school in the morning.
One week down. Not sure I want to know how many there are to go. But, never the less, it is an accomplishment to have survived a full week of optometry school.
First day of school pic!
Day one was reminiscent of many first days of the past. As a first year, we are at the bottom of the pack. The small fish in a sea of much more experienced, seasoned doctors-to-be. Arriving the first day I was nervous I wouldn't be able to find my lecture room. Mind you, the school is only 400 students small, and has two main lecture halls. Thankfully, I managed to find my way. I took a seat and absorbed my surrounding. A room full of 104 eager to learn students. Saying we have a full schedule is an understatement. Optometry school has become our job. The first day we soaked in our new life. It was invigorating to see how much we would learn. One professor told us first year medical students learn 13,000 words and we should expect to do the same. Whoa... intimidating much? By day two, the reality of our new lives started to set in. Don't get me wrong, I am still thrilled to begin my new life... But it sure as hell is sobering. I haven't been a student in over a year, so sitting quietly in a chair for extended periods of time is something I will have to adapt to again. One phenomenal advantage of beginning a professional school is meeting so many people. There is a vast array of peers and professors, each a unique character. During our first Neuroanatomy lab, we took turns stating out name, alma mater, and why we wanted to be an optometrist. There were so many stories that led individuals to this profession. Some were impacted by their own experience of seeing the world with the help of glasses/contacts for the first time, others shared stories of wanting to volunteer abroad to meet impoverished needs for vision care. Some wanted to work with veterans in the VA hospital, and others wanted to work with brain injury victims in vision rehabilitation. So many different stories, all inspiring in their own way.
Elena, my co-mentee, and Alyce, my mentor.
At the end of the week, the first and second years attended the Mentor/Mentee Dinner at The Cadillac Bar & Grill. Each new student is paired with a second year who then passes on their knowledge, experience, and advice. The dinner was hosted by Texas State Optical, and honored the new and upcoming professionals of the future. For the first time we stood together in a room of our colleagues. The second years, once as green as us, seemed confident and comfortable. They were in our shoes just one year ago. Soon they will take their competency exam and be awarded the coveted white coat. However, as much as I love daydreaming of the initials O.D. at the end of my name, it's time to get back to the fundamentals.
On August 23, 2013 I saw a room full of my peers for the first time. We started the day by having our picture taken, which will accompany our name for the next four years. Only one snap from the photographer and my destiny was sealed. I am horrified that I made a goofy smile, or ended up in mid blink. The day continued, and we had chances to ask questions to older students and even some of the faculty. We even receieved our much anticipated equipment. A staple of any optometry student, we all rolled away with a smile, feeling a little bit professional for the first time. The most memorable moment was taking our very first Optometric Oath as a class. The Optometric Oath WITH FULL DELIBERATION, I FREELY AND SOLEMNLY PLEDGE THAT: - I will practice the art and science of optometry faithfully and conscientiously, and to the fullest scope of my competence
- I will uphold and honorably promote by example and acction the highest standards, ethics and ideals of my chosen profession and the honor of the degree, Doctor of Optometry, which will be granted to me upon completion of all academic requirements.
- I will provide professional care for those who seek my services, with concern, with compassion and with due regard for their human rights and dignity.
- I will place the treatment of those who seek my care above personal gain and strive to see that none shall lack for proper care.
- I will hold as privileged and inviolable all information entrusted to me in confidence by my patients.
- I will advise my pateients fully and honestly of all which may serve to restore, maintain or enhance their vision and general health.
- I will strive continuosly to broaden my knowledge and skills so that my patients may benefit from all new and efficacious means to enhance the care of human vision.
- I will share information cordially and unselfishly with my fellow optometrists and other professionals for the benefit of patients and the advancement of human knowledge and welfare.
- I will do my utmost to serve my community, my country and humankind as a citizen as well as an optometrist.
- I hereby commit myself to be steadfast in the performance of this my solemn oath and obligation.
Walking up to The University Eye Institute!
I am incredibly proud to be a University of Houston College of Optometry student. We are the only optometry school in the entire country with an ambulatory surgical center. The profession is governed by the legislature so for now, in the state of Texas, optometrists are not able to perform surgeries. However, twenty years ago optometrists weren't able to dilate the eye, prescribe antibiotics, or treat glaucoma. Times changed and the laws finally caught up with the education of the profession. I am honored to be a part of a program so ahead of the time. The surgery center is equipped with the most hightech technology in the state, and maybe even the country. Any occular surgery has the ability to be peformed there, and we will have the opportunity to rotate through to observe. The hope is to show legislature the capability and the scope of learning that takes place in our program. By proving competence, hopefully the profession will continue moving in a positive direction. We are in an amazing new building. Our class will be the first to experience all four years of school there. It adds a whole new level to this experience and I am humbled.
It's the night before orientation. I have jitters and it isn't even the first day yet. I even resorted to elementary tactics such as picking out outfits in front of the mirror, retrying on piece after piece. The dress code is business casual. What does that even mean anyways!? I don't want to be stuffy and overdressed, yet at the same time not too casual and blasé. After many changes and angled glances in the mirror, the deed is done and the outfit is chosen.
It isn't so much as the importance of the outfit as it is about making the best first impression possible. We are entering into our profession, and we are presenting ourselves to our peers and professors. It is an exciting feeling knowing you are on the edge of a free fall into your future. Last night I had the privilege of getting to meet some of my classmates. Walking into Dave and Busters I was greeted with a table full of smiling young adults. Everyone was glowing. I know that sounds silly, but imagine a room full of people seeing the dream they have been working on for years finally come true. I over heard one girl faintly say, "I can't believe this is all happening. It's so surreal." Surreal: a bizarre, dreamlike state. The place where fantasy meets reality. The opportunities in front are endless. And even though my enthusiasm may wane as test week approaches, I want to eat up this moment and relish in the endless possibilities that await.
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